Forgiveness

Ahhh……Forgiveness. This may be one of the toughest topics we ever consider and doing it is even harder. The most important thing to know about forgiveness is that it IS NOT about the offender (who we have no control over) deserving or asking for forgiveness. It is about us (who we do have control over) and our hearts.

The number one and most obvious reason we should forgive is because God makes forgiveness available to us when we do not deserve it. In the Lord’s prayer, we ask that He “forgive our debts (trespasses) as we forgive our debtors (trespassers)”. Several scriptures indicate that we are expected to forgive IF we want His forgiveness.

In spite of that, we often need to know how it is going to benefit us to forgive someone who not only doesn’t deserve our forgiveness, but hasn’t even asked for it. Letting go of something we have no control over is better for us. It is a waste of our energy supply to allow an unforgiving heart to hold anger, and it robs us of our joy. The book, BOUNDARIES When To Say Yes How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, gives further insight. When we hold on to ill feelings toward someone who has offended us, this keeps us connected to that person and somewhat controlled by them. This is because we are wanting something from them, whether it be a confession or an apology. We must acknowledge that we have no control over them, but that we do have control over ourselves. We may never get that confession or apology, so we need to break the connection and use our boundaries in a healthy way.

When assessing the future of the relationship in general, we need to consider the intent on the part of the other person. What may have seemed a hurtful act, may have not had that intention behind it, AND that person truly may not realize that they have offended us in some way. There also may be a myriad of other underlying reasons (unrelated to the circumstance and that we don’t understand) why a person may have said or done something that was hurtful to us. We don’t always know what is going on in other areas of a person’s life. We need to be sensitive to others and not overly sensitive about ourselves. While evaluating the association, remember that the act of forgiving does not mean we must have a close friendship with this person. We need to do a prayerful reassessment of the history of the relationship and determine appropriate boundaries.

When we have been deeply hurt and have trouble letting it go, there is a specific scripture that can remind us to ask the Lord to help us bless those who curse us. It can really help put our hearts in the right place.

Recovering from Grief

Recognizing grief is the first step to recovery. We all think of grief as what we feel when we lose a loved one. This is probably the deepest of all grief. We may also be familiar with the steps we go through anticipating the loss during an illness or after the passing itself. The most common steps are denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. Knowing the process does not necessarily make it easier. When I lost my mother at 24 (not yet knowing that I was pregnant), my resolve was that if I was going to experience something so painful—I would grow in wisdom and faith as a result. Losing other people who I felt very close to over the years and then my dad a few months ago taught me different lessons because I was at different places in my life and faith journey.

We don’t often credit the emotions we have over other loses in our lives as grief. ANY LOSS can cause feelings of grief. Loss of a relationship and trust of a friend or spouse (especially in the case of divorce) certainly causes grief. Loss of a dream you had about your future can cause feelings of grief. Many are currently experiencing losses of retirement funds which were meant to allow some security and ability to travel and enjoy life later. Parents may have envisioned family closeness continuing as the kids grew up and had their own children only to have to adjust to much less togetherness than they had dreamed about. Others have had health problems rob them of the simple dream of continuing life as they know it. Those who have children with any kind of challenge must often adjust their dreams for their children. It is important to acknowledge these as losses that are worthy of grief and to give ourselves permission and time to grieve.

Everyone needs time and we must respect and allow each person to cope with any grief in their own time and way. Especially when two people are grieving together, they have to respect the other person’s difference in coping in order to continue to support one another. There are some things that may help. At some point, we must force ourselves to move forward, accepting that we cannot have things the way we want them. We then must open our hearts and minds to the idea that God has a marvelous plan for the rest of our lives. Also, focusing on simple daily blessings can help us refocus our lens to seeing blessings more clearly while problems blur a little. This can change our first perception of situations and help us get our joy back. There is a famous poem about a family trip being mistakenly rerouted to Holland rather than Italy. The family was so focused on what they were missing in Italy that they didn’t see the beauty that was in Holland. Finally, it is also important to be flexible and recognize that God may be clearly leading you in a specific direction, but it may not be where you think you are going. Many a detour may be part of His plan to give us some experiences and lessons we need before we go where He is ultimately leading.

Why was Jesus here?

I spent most of my life believing that God sent His son, Jesus, to die for our sins so we could acknowledge that He died to take our punishment, accept the gift of eternal life, and have a relationship with God forever. I have come to see the intense meaning for His visit prior to and beyond that ultimate act of sacrifice that none of us will ever be able to fully wrap our minds around. During His stay, He showed us, in a very hands on way, how to behave and how to treat others while living in less than charmed circumstances himself. Probably most amazing to me is that God loved us so much, that He not only gave His only begotten son to die for our sins, but to also have the human experience Himself. Living in these less than charmed circumstances allowed Him, as a man with human to human relationships, to fully experience, as we do, acts of mistreatment, prejudice, physical torture, humiliation, disrespect, and betrayal, as well as sharing pain in the lives of close friends. He loved us so much that He didn’t want to just understand from a distance, but He wanted to know first hand how it actually feels to experience some of those things. His desire to fully understand what human life is like and to show us by example how to act, adds so much more to His ultimate act of love.

The book that most affected my having a deeper understanding of God’s love and the meaning of the life of Jesus was The Jesus I Never Knew by Philip Yancey. Every book I have ever read by Philip Yancey has been full of new insights. I am currently reading his book, PRAYER Does It Make Any Difference?, which greatly influenced my PRAYER post earlier. A book of his that is very joy filled is What’s So Amazing About Grace?.

Another author I would recommend is Max Lucado. He has such an easy to read and understand writing style and relates biblical principles to things we can better understand. I have read many books by each of these authors and have never been disappointed.

Prayer

My understanding of prayer is evolving, but it seems to make sense to be reminded that God's perception of what is important and ours is different, and therefore His longterm goals for what is best for us is different. As we pray for improvement in earthly situations and physical ailments, God is ministering to our soul in light of and through those circumstances. He realizes that the earthly and physical are fleeting, but the soul is eternal. When we open up in prayer about what we need and want, we are opening the doors to His ministering to our soul and growing our faith through those situations.

On another note, praying for others and their earthly circumstances and physical ailments may not result in those problems being solved. These prayers, however, put us in partnership with God which softens our heart toward those needs, and we can then work in partnership with God by ministering to their needs, and in turn, their souls. It is like St. Theresa of Avila's prayer that we become the hands, feet, and eyes of Jesus here on earth. Without the prayer, the heart may not have been softened or the actions in line with God's purpose. Those who are in a position (either due to proximity or ability) of not being able to do more than pray should not discount their important role in praying for those who are in a position to provide hands on help.

Sharing our desires with God, even if they seem selfish and probably not important, is extemely important. I like to think of God literally sitting in my car or my kitchen with me as I chat with Him all day about my hopes, dreams, and disappointments. As Philip Yancey states in The Jesus I Never Knew,
“Power, no matter how well intentioned, tends to cause suffering. Love, being vulnerable, absorbs it. In a point of convergence on a hill called Calvary , God renounced the one (power) for the other (love).”
God wants a relationship coming out of voluntary love rather than a forced submission. We can share anything and should. Even though he already knows, it means a lot for us to want to tell Him anyway and discuss it. This allows time for the "listening" for those ideas he needs to plant in our mind WHEN we take the time to allow that.

Introduction

This blog title, "Convergence of Thoughts", could continue with "about life experiences and learning that sometimes create A HA moments and other enlightenments". I will be sharing some thoughts developed from several years of living and learning about lots of topics. As I told my dad as a teenager, who shared many of his experiences in an effort to save me time and trouble, sometimes experience is most valuable when it is your own, but maybe someone out there has had these same euphoric feelings when things seem to make sense in a new, interesting, and suddenly and obviously logical way.