Forgiveness

Ahhh……Forgiveness. This may be one of the toughest topics we ever consider and doing it is even harder. The most important thing to know about forgiveness is that it IS NOT about the offender (who we have no control over) deserving or asking for forgiveness. It is about us (who we do have control over) and our hearts.

The number one and most obvious reason we should forgive is because God makes forgiveness available to us when we do not deserve it. In the Lord’s prayer, we ask that He “forgive our debts (trespasses) as we forgive our debtors (trespassers)”. Several scriptures indicate that we are expected to forgive IF we want His forgiveness.

In spite of that, we often need to know how it is going to benefit us to forgive someone who not only doesn’t deserve our forgiveness, but hasn’t even asked for it. Letting go of something we have no control over is better for us. It is a waste of our energy supply to allow an unforgiving heart to hold anger, and it robs us of our joy. The book, BOUNDARIES When To Say Yes How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, gives further insight. When we hold on to ill feelings toward someone who has offended us, this keeps us connected to that person and somewhat controlled by them. This is because we are wanting something from them, whether it be a confession or an apology. We must acknowledge that we have no control over them, but that we do have control over ourselves. We may never get that confession or apology, so we need to break the connection and use our boundaries in a healthy way.

When assessing the future of the relationship in general, we need to consider the intent on the part of the other person. What may have seemed a hurtful act, may have not had that intention behind it, AND that person truly may not realize that they have offended us in some way. There also may be a myriad of other underlying reasons (unrelated to the circumstance and that we don’t understand) why a person may have said or done something that was hurtful to us. We don’t always know what is going on in other areas of a person’s life. We need to be sensitive to others and not overly sensitive about ourselves. While evaluating the association, remember that the act of forgiving does not mean we must have a close friendship with this person. We need to do a prayerful reassessment of the history of the relationship and determine appropriate boundaries.

When we have been deeply hurt and have trouble letting it go, there is a specific scripture that can remind us to ask the Lord to help us bless those who curse us. It can really help put our hearts in the right place.